Ain’t no party like ….

… a rock ‘n’ roll party, bitchessss! That’s pretty much what a concert is, after all. Take a band or two or three (or sometimes four these days), then add a bunch of people who really love these bands and their music. Throw in a healthy helping of alcohol and/or other recreational substances, and voilà!

Now, there’s a thing I’ve always wondered about these venues. Before the show, between acts, after the show … there’s always recorded music playing. Sometimes it’s only three or four songs that get repeated endlessly. Sometimes you don’t hear the same song twice. And I always wonder who gets to choose exactly what gets played at these places. I think it should be me. Here’s what you’ll hear when I get to be in charge of the music at your show.

In Bloom: Neck Deep. If you’re just listening to the lyrics, well … kind of mopey-angsty-depressing. But don’t you just wanna bop all around the room when you hear the music that goes with those words?

Migraine: twenty-øne piløts. Same thing. Maybe I’m onto a theme here. Boppy song with a great rhythm, but the lyrics are kind of a downer. Meh. Good thing I didn’t pick Goner, right? Fuck it, man. Just dance while you’re waiting for the next band to hit the stage.

The Party Song: blink-182. It’s a little more on the punk side than the pop side, but damn. This song is funny as shit, and it’ll be an antidote for all the people who’ve been crying in the corners after listening to the last two songs.

The Lines: Beartooth. So we’re back to this, are we? I mean … those lyrics, though. That said, if this song is good enough for the band themselves to open shows with, then it’s good enough to get people hyped at other shows.

The Downfall Of Us All: A Day To Remember. And now it’s about the show openers. Bands open their shows with these songs for a reason, though. Set the tone early, and kill the rest of the show. Like the band says, “sing it if you fuckin’ know it.”

Poker Face: Lady Gaga. Not even close to kidding about this. There are grown men who will scream, weep, and push their girlfriends down to get to the dance floor when this song comes on. Admit it. You know all the words, and you’re singing it in your head right now.

Blank Space: I Prevail. You and I both know that everyone … everyone loves Taylor Swift. Now you get to admit it in front of a bunch of people without being the least bit embarrassed.

This Is The Time (Ballast): Nothing More. Yep. Getting close to time for that next act to get on stage. Get ready. Get moving. Get singing along with some more depressing lyrics backed by some great rhythms.

HUMBLE.: Kendrick Lamar. Full disclosure. I find this dude’s voice pretty annoying. I hear “MY LEFT STROKE JUST WENT VIIIRAL,” and it kinda makes me want to commit homicide. But this dude is at the top of his game and he’s working the most popular music genre in the US today. I can’t argue with that. And annoying voice notwithstanding, the tune’s catchy as hell.

Alpha Omega: Machine Gun Kelly. You get MGK just before the next act comes on. Motherfucker has an angry delivery. If you weren’t ready to get hype before, then you’d better believe that you will be after this song drops.

Lights go down. Cheers from the crowd. Here comes the band.

Bonus material. Here’s a song you’ll never, ever hear if you let me choose your music. I hate that I find that horrible, horrible song so catchy. The fact that your boy Lil Pump is sometimes too lazy to even finish pronouncing one-syllable words makes the English student in me weep bitter, bitter tears. Now … get back to listening to the music you went to the show to hear.

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